Of course, in the case of my Dad I didn’t get the chance to ask any questions or have a conversation.  I have to say that it is probably the most painful part of not having him here.  I would give anything to ask him a question.  I’ve tried to imagine what that would be like… where would we sit; inside or outside?  Around the kitchen table, or in the living room?   Would there be coffee – did he drink coffee?  What would be my first question?  There are thousands that enter my mind.  Where would I begin?

But instead I rely on other people completely.  Every tiny bit of information that I get my hands on is gold.  I love meeting anyone that had any kind of contact with him.  I love hearing stories and even the simplest things like his favorite… anything.  It’s so exciting for me to explore tiny parts of him.  I was able to ask my Grandma Pearce questions but I was always hesitant and not wanting to hurt her – it never felt enough.  And now she is gone so that avenue has ended.  His brother is also gone so it’s getting more and more difficult to find things out as the people around me get older.  I am beginning to cling to his sisters because they are a close physical part of him.  When I’m around them I feel like my Dad is there with them in a small part.  They are becoming a very important part of my life and I cherish every moment with them that I can.

But, it isn’t only the stories that bring me closer to him, it’s just walking down the street in Moosomin; going into the stores that he would have gone into, smelling the clean air, seeing the other farmers that are about the age that he would be now.  Imagining who he would talk to and where he would go.  As the town progresses and changes it’s not quite the same but I am hanging on for dear life to what is still there.

My life lesson is to cherish every moment, ask questions and tell people how you feel when they are still here but be assured that no matter how much you think you have connected with someone – it is never enough.

If you haven’t connected with a person in a long time, or ever, the longing for more and possibly guilt for not having the relationship will be there and it will cut to your very soul.  I’ve had relationships with people who passed that were from one spectrum to the other and none of them were easy.  They are all difficult and heart wrenching in their own way.  There will always be feelings of wishing you could ask or tell them one more thing.  Life goes on and as life goes on you have more to add to the person’s life that has stopped.

As my life changes I would love to be sharing it with all of the people that have passed on before me no matter how much of a relationship we had and it is difficult each time a milestone comes along.  It doesn’t mean that you have taken a step back in the grief process; it is just a part of life moving on.  A sign that you have moved on is to wish the person was there to see how and what you are doing.