In my memory the month of July, 2009 is thin.  It feels spread out like a dream that seems to last all night.  It was very confusing just feeling like the answer is just around the corner but when you get around the corner it’s all changed on you again.  Stumbling in the dark not knowing where you’re going.  Pasith and I had just moved a few months earlier and had been excited to get started on projects and settling in.  We had to make some tough choices about what was really important to get done and what could be put off.  We had been planning a trip ending in Saskatchewan visiting my Dad’s sister and his best friend.  And we knew that had to stay in the summer agenda.

Mom was struggling and I think feeling more and more afraid.  I would ask her how she was doing and she would say “Ok.”  But I knew there was more to it.  And I finally asked her to be honest with me.  I was asking because I wanted to know and needed to know.  It took her a while to trust my Aunt, sister and I and to see that we were there to help not control her life.  I was watching for any small change that would indicate a huge change or catastrophe.  Pasith’s Dad had cancer and passed away a year before my Mom was diagnosed so Pasith and I had just been through a similar situation.  We understood what could happen with cancer and how quickly it could turn on you.

My Aunt A. came up for a visit a few weeks after the family gathering in Warroad. She was very concerned and wanted to be with Mom for some of her appointments but also just to be with her.  Auntie A is the family caregiver and I don’t know where our family would be without her.  Auntie A. was staying with her and one afternoon Mom suddenly felt strange and tried to reach a chair to sit down in the kitchen.  She missed and fainted on the floor hitting her hip and her forehead on the way down.  Auntie A. panicked, rightfully so, and called 911.  She didn’t know if Mom had a heart attack or a stroke.  Mom lived a half a block from the hospital so the ambulance was there pretty quick.  Auntie had been able to get Mom conscious and Mom crawled to the back steps of her apartment where the EMS tried to help her stand but she couldn’t.  They basically carried her outside and into the ambulance.  She was checked and released in a few hours.  There was no real explanation for her fainting except that her blood pressure and oxygen to her brain had suddenly dropped because she had tried to bend down.  We were definitely a little more concerned about leaving her alone.  Auntie A. decided to stay a few more days just to be sure.  And we insisted on moving things up for her so she didn’t have to bend down.

Mom was stubborn and a little cranky about everyone making a fuss but yet I think she knew that we all just wanted to keep her safe.  Over these weeks she was also complaining about another issue.  To put it as delicately as possible her intestines weren’t working well.  She had talked to her doctor about it but the doctor didn’t seem to be taking her very seriously.  From what happened later we know that she was suffering a lot more than she let on at that time.  So she was getting help from the ER doctor to try to find relief.

I went with her for her mammogram in the middle of July.  She stayed overnight at our house, for the last time, and we spent a large part of the day together.  At the mammogram she had the first pictures taken and was getting dressed when the technician asked her to come back in for a few more pictures.  They had spotted something under her arm.  They had her contort into a nearly impossible position trying to get a better picture.  They found a 2 centimeter tumor under her arm.  It had been too far back for it to be caught on her previous tests.  We thought we had the culprit.  But something was telling me that this wasn’t the whole story.