Off Balance

I’m off balance.  I feel like I have been tipped off my axis.  I think most people who have lost someone close to them can identify with how I feel right now.  Some days it’s a slight disorientation.  Other days, like today, it feels like your brain and body aren’t quite connected.  I’m in a fog.  I have written about being in a fog before; the grief fog.  I’ve been here a lot over the last 4 years and I think I’m starting to understand it a little better – while I’m here I might as well figure it out.

I believe that we as humans are all connected on a base level.  I do think that there are some people that step outside of that connection and are able to commit horrific crimes against humanity.  But the vast majority of us are connected.  Scientifically speaking our DNA is about 99.5% identical; only a .5% variance in the human race.  That’s pretty incredible.  The world suddenly feels a little smaller.  And I think that this is partly where the fog and disorientation comes in.  Someone passing from this world to the next leaves a void; a physical, emotional and spiritual void.  There is a spot that is no longer taken up by that person.  And it seems to me that when that happens the people closest to that person temporarily lose their balance.  They have to readjust to their surroundings.  It seems like a simple equation and I’ve had a lot of conversations using words like adjusting, coping, moving on and shock these past few weeks, as well as the last few years.  But there is a definite physical element to it.  For me it feels like my mind is trying to keep up with what is happening.  The world moves at regular pace and I’m in slow motion; concentration, organization, normal daily habits, like eating, just seems impossible at times.  Time itself seems to warp, sometimes moving quickly, sometimes not moving at all.  The feeling takes over and leaves without warning.

Largely we are designed to readjust to the new surroundings.  Babies are born to take the place of the one who is gone.  Life continues.  There are situations and circumstances where the adjustment is never made.  For instance, there are times when one spouse will die from a broken heart after their partner of 60 or 70 years is gone; or in the death of a child, something that I cannot imagine.  But, in general we are designed to adjust and move on.  I wish I could say that I had found a quick and easy way to get through all of this but I haven’t yet.  Believe me, if I do find a way I’ll let you know.  It takes time, so cheesy but true.  The only other thing is to feel it when it comes.  Don’t deny it or push it aside, feel the emotions.  The more you ignore the fog and the emotions the stronger they will become.  So you might as well deal with it in a timely manner.

Death is not easy, no matter what anyone tells you.  But I also know that there is hope.  Hope that the world will stop spinning.  Hope that life will continue.  And most of all hope that the people that have passed are in a much better place than this.  If anything we should be envious.

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