I wrote the following just over 2 years ago.\u00a0 I’m not sure what set me off but I was in an emotional purge.\u00a0 I wrote it in one sitting furiously typing.\u00a0 Very cathartic.\u00a0 But very difficult to make public.\u00a0 Parts of this was featured in a friend’s blog for Father’s Day a few years ago but this is the full purge:<\/p>\n
I never knew my Dad.\u00a0 Does that matter?<\/p>\n
If I never knew him what difference does it make?\u00a0 Does it make a difference if he is dead or alive?\u00a0 If he is living on the other side of the world versus being buried in the ground \u2013 does it matter?<\/p>\n
Does it matter who he was?\u00a0 Is \u201ca Dad\u201d just an idea or a figurehead if you never knew the person?\u00a0 Is \u201ca Dad\u201d just an ideal if I never met mine?\u00a0 Do I just want one because everyone else has one?<\/p>\n
Did he really exist?\u00a0 What proof do I have that he did exist?\u00a0 Does it matter?\u00a0 Should I even bother asking?\u00a0 Or do I just ignore the feelings and move on as if he never did exist and just live my life \u201cas is\u201d?\u00a0 Do I need to ask any of these questions to have a fulfilling life?\u00a0 Am I dwelling or rehashing to want to know?\u00a0 Is my asking questions annoying or childish?<\/p>\n
Does my wanting his approval make me weak?\u00a0 What is his approval?\u00a0 It\u2019s what people tell me it would be.\u00a0 There is no physical way for me to have his approval.\u00a0 So, why does it mean so much to me?\u00a0 Why do I have to desire most the one thing that I will never have?\u00a0 Why can\u2019t I accept the approval of the people who are still here?\u00a0 Why aren\u2019t their opinions enough?<\/p>\n
How do you miss \u201cthe person\u201d if you never met \u201cthe person\u201d?\u00a0 Isn\u2019t it just the idea of the person that you miss?\u00a0 I have an amazing imagination but as much as I try to imagine what that person would be like nothing comes up.\u00a0 It\u2019s a blank canvas.\u00a0 Anyone can tell me anything and I have no way of knowing if they are telling me the truth.\u00a0 All I can do is decide which stories to believe.\u00a0 How do you do that when you have nothing to go on?\u00a0 I treasure every story that I hear.\u00a0 I treasure every moment that I have with my Dad\u2019s family because they are the only way to confirm that he really existed.\u00a0 Anyone\u2019s name can be put on a birth certificate.\u00a0 Any man\u2019s picture can be put up on the wall.\u00a0 Any story can be created to satisfy a child, but at least when I\u2019m with his sisters I know that they must have known him.\u00a0 They look like the picture on the wall.\u00a0 Do I look like the picture on the wall?\u00a0 I\u2019m told that I do.<\/p>\n
Do other \u201cposthumous children\u201d feel this way?\u00a0 Am I alone in my feelings?<\/p>\n
Is it better to be born before or after?\u00a0 I have been asked this question before and I don\u2019t have an answer.\u00a0 There is so much damage no matter how you look at it.\u00a0 Neither.\u00a0 Neither is the answer.\u00a0 There shouldn\u2019t be a before and after.\u00a0\u00a0 There should just be time.<\/p>\n
Is it supposed to make me feel better to be born after; to have escaped the tragedy?\u00a0 Did I escape the tragedy? \u00a0Not even close.\u00a0 I remember people trying to make me feel better by saying, \u201cWell at least you don\u2019t remember anything.\u201d<\/p>\n
How is that better?\u00a0 I would give just about anything right now to remember and have something of him to hang on to.\u00a0 Isn\u2019t it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?\u00a0 Is that just for adults afraid of a relationship?\u00a0 To me it seems universal.<\/p>\n
Why can\u2019t I just move passed it and be happy with my incredible family; my husband and children.\u00a0 Don\u2019t get me wrong \u2013 I love them dearly and they all make me very happy.\u00a0 I just wish that I didn\u2019t have this desire for more.\u00a0 I will always be looking for my Dad.\u00a0 Will I ever find him?\u00a0 Can\u2019t I just give it up and be content?\u00a0 Why does my mind always have to move to the thoughts of him and the fact that he isn\u2019t here to see how happy and content we are?\u00a0 It is a vicious cycle.\u00a0 The way to know that life has moved on is to wish that the missing person were here to see your progress and your \u201cnew\u201d life.\u00a0 Does that mean that I have moved on?\u00a0 But how can I move on if I always want him to be here?<\/p>\n
I used to believe, or one of my many beliefs when I was little, that my Dad hadn\u2019t died.\u00a0 He was somewhere.\u00a0 He was out there.\u00a0 My Mom was hiding him somewhere.\u00a0 She and my sister would go to see him but they wouldn\u2019t take me.\u00a0 They didn\u2019t want me to know him.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know why they didn\u2019t want me to but they never invited me along.\u00a0 Why am I not good enough to go along?\u00a0 Why doesn\u2019t he want me to come see him?\u00a0 Did I do something to make him not want me around?\u00a0 Why does he stay away?<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t know what, if anything my Mom could have done to change these feelings that I had.\u00a0 They were just there.\u00a0 And they were there for a lot longer than I would have admitted.\u00a0 I think I still have some of those feelings.\u00a0 Why did he have to leave before I came?\u00a0 Why wasn\u2019t I good enough to have and know a father?\u00a0 Would I be a different person if he had been around after I was born?\u00a0 Of course I would be.\u00a0 Who would I be?\u00a0 Would I be a better person?\u00a0 Would I be smarter, more grateful?\u00a0 I think I would have just wished for more time no matter how much time I had.\u00a0 That\u2019s what I wish for with all of the other people that have passed since.\u00a0 So what difference does it make?<\/p>\n
I used to dream about my belief that he hadn\u2019t died.\u00a0 One dream in particular when I was about 15 was that I was 7 years old and I walked into the dining room of the house we lived in at that time and there was a man sitting there.\u00a0 He was talking to my sister; my Mom was getting dinner ready.\u00a0 It was like a normal day.\u00a0 But, this man \u2013 who was he?\u00a0 I walked up to him.\u00a0 He just looked at me and then continued to talk to my sister.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t feel welcome at all.\u00a0 I was interrupting.\u00a0 He wanted nothing to do with me.\u00a0 I started to back up and felt incredible sadness.\u00a0 And I woke up.<\/p>\n
Will I ever let the rejection go?\u00a0 Will I ever realize that this feeling is a result of unfortunate circumstances and not based on truth?\u00a0 If I had a picture of him holding me as a baby \u2013 would I believe the picture?\u00a0 If I had a memory of him playing with me as a child would I believe the memory?\u00a0 I don\u2019t know what it would have taken for me to know and believe the truth.\u00a0 I hope I get there someday.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I wrote the following just over 2 years ago.\u00a0 I’m not sure what set me off but I was in an emotional purge.\u00a0 I wrote it in one sitting furiously typing.\u00a0 Very cathartic.\u00a0 But very difficult to make public.\u00a0 Parts … Continue reading