Death comes in many forms; fast, slow and everything in between.\u00a0\u00a0 Contrary to popular belief one is not easier or better than the other for the loved ones left behind.\u00a0 Yes, if the person has a lengthy illness there is more time for us to fulfill our selfish need to make sure that everything is said and the person can move on with our emotions in a nice, neat package.\u00a0 There is no nice, neat package.\u00a0 It may feel that way at the time but after a day, week or month the emotions come back and we find ourselves wishing for more. \u00a0More time.<\/p>\n
When someone dies they are gone no matter the reason.\u00a0 When that first family event or holiday comes around do you care why or how the person died or do you just wish they could be there to share it with you?\u00a0 Do you say, \u201cWell, we had a great year with that person while they suffered and lost their life and dignity slowly and painfully.\u00a0 Pass the potatoes.\u201d?<\/p>\n
Life moving on without someone that we love is painful whether it was a sudden accident, murder or an illness that took them slowly.<\/p>\n
I had not experienced an \u201cillness\u201d death that was close to me as an adult until Grandma T.\u00a0 She was a guiding force in my life.\u00a0 Grandma gave advice whether you wanted it or not.\u00a0 She knew what you were up to \u2013 especially if you didn\u2019t want her to.\u00a0 When she broke her leg by making a misstep on a staircase my whole life stopped, along with other members of the family.\u00a0 She was like a mother to me; she had taken care of me as an infant.\u00a0 She and I were very close.\u00a0 I was her \u201cLittle Lamb\u201d; the only person in her life to have a nickname.\u00a0\u00a0 I had known that at 89 her time was coming but again, knowing doesn\u2019t matter when it actually comes.<\/p>\n
She was in the hospital on high doses of morphine after surgery.\u00a0 I fought to get to her 2 \u00bd hours away.\u00a0 Money was tight; I was working a lot of hours while Pasith finished up school and worked.\u00a0 Sidney was 4 years old and so it all complicated my getting to her side.\u00a0 I prayed that she would make it till I could get to her.\u00a0 I just needed to see her one more time.\u00a0 Just needed to see it for myself; this woman that I loved so much and who had always been such a rock taken down by a broken leg.<\/p>\n
When I went in to her room at the hospital she looked so small.\u00a0 My Aunt was there \u2013 she was always there.\u00a0 She is an angel in our family.\u00a0 My Grandma had been asking for her children and grandchildren.\u00a0 It is a wonderful feeling to be thought of by someone at a time like that and yet heartbreaking.\u00a0 When she saw me I went to her side and she grabbed my hand \u2013 it was so warm.\u00a0 She started to cry and said, \u201cMy Little Lamb\u201d.\u00a0 I had never seen her cry.\u00a0 She knew me even through the drugs.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t know what to expect because she had become quite angry at times through her drugged state, which was not part of who she was at all.\u00a0 But she hung on to my hand and pulled me in for a hug.\u00a0 Grandma wasn\u2019t normally a very physically affectionate person; I was so thankful for that change among many other painful changes.\u00a0 I needed to feel her.\u00a0 We chatted a little but she was in and out of coherent conversation.\u00a0 She was hearing music and sermons and would tell you what they were about \u2013 after she got annoyed that you weren\u2019t listening.\u00a0 She had cats that would visit \u2013 in addition to the family dog.\u00a0 Grandma would request that the music be turned down on the radio that only she could hear and would get very agitated when you didn\u2019t comply.\u00a0 There were little men making fires in the corners of her room.\u00a0 It was difficult but we were able to find some humor in the midst of the heartbreak.<\/p>\n
My Mom and I stayed at my Aunt\u2019s and went back in the morning prior to leaving for home.\u00a0 That next day was one of the most difficult in my life.\u00a0 Everything was fine until we had to leave.\u00a0 We had become accustomed to the ramblings and the momentary agitation, waiting for the moments of clarity to come back.\u00a0 She had a wonderful phone conversation with my Uncle about deer hunting.\u00a0 She was so excited to hear about the deer he had just shot.\u00a0 How big is it?\u00a0 Was it a buck?\u00a0 How many points if it was a buck?\u00a0 Asking for every detail of how it happened.\u00a0\u00a0 When was he coming to see her again?\u00a0 And once she was off the phone she was like a little kid telling us all about the deer.\u00a0 Then the clarity was gone again.<\/p>\n
I hoped that this would not be the end but I knew it was the last time I would see her.\u00a0 I would have to say that is the worst kind of dread you can have.\u00a0 When do you walk away?\u00a0 When and how do you say goodbye the last time?\u00a0 How many hugs do you have to give before you have had enough to be able to walk out of the room?\u00a0 How many times do you have to say \u201cI love you\u201d before you are ready to leave?\u00a0 I will have those last moments in my mind for the rest of my life.\u00a0 Did I say enough?\u00a0 Did I do enough?\u00a0 Why didn\u2019t I just stay?\u00a0 Did I really have to leave?\u00a0 Was my job and life at home more important than the last moments with this woman who had cared for me as an infant and had helped raise me?\u00a0 I so wanted to stay.<\/p>\n
When I finally did leave the room she was still talking.\u00a0 I\u2019m not sure if she was talking to me or herself because she had slipped into the drugs again.\u00a0 But, the horror of leaving while she was mumbling alone in a room is indescribable.\u00a0\u00a0 How do you just walk away?\u00a0 How do you let go of their hand?\u00a0\u00a0 But I was reassured from my Aunt that it was ok to leave.\u00a0 I am so thankful for the good memories that I have of her to counter what that visit was like.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know how my Aunt did it for a month; seeing her, feeding her, caring for her, taking harsh words from the \u201cdrugged\u201d person that temporarily took over her Mother\u2019s body without notice.<\/p>\n
Grandma passed away peacefully in her sleep on November 25th<\/sup>, 2003.<\/p>\n I don\u2019t remember sunlight during the month between her breaking her leg and her passing.\u00a0 All I remember is darkness.\u00a0 I had horrible nightmares during that month and for about 6 months after.\u00a0 Because she passed away in November in northern Minnesota the funeral home wouldn\u2019t bury her till spring.\u00a0 For some reason I could not come out of the deep grief until she was buried.\u00a0 It was just like I went through her dying over and over for months.\u00a0\u00a0 I would dream that she was still alive and then would suddenly realize that she had really died.\u00a0 Sometimes she would also realize it in the dream and sometimes I had to wake up to realize it.\u00a0 Those months were very difficult and I was so thankful when the nightmares ended after she was buried in May of 2004.\u00a0 I have no regrets about that final visit, except that I couldn\u2019t stay longer or go more often.\u00a0 The nightmares in the subsequent months pale in comparison to the incredible influence she had in my life.\u00a0 I treasure every minute with her.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Death comes in many forms; fast, slow and everything in between.\u00a0\u00a0 Contrary to popular belief one is not easier or better than the other for the loved ones left behind.\u00a0 Yes, if the person has a lengthy illness there is … Continue reading