I wrote the following a week or two before my Mom passed away last December.\u00a0 At that point her illness felt like a never ending emotional, mental, spiritual and physical marathon.\u00a0 We were all drained and pushed to what felt like our end.\u00a0 When I read this it takes me back to the nights spent in her apartment, waiting and listening to her breathing.\u00a0 Counting the seconds between each breath.\u00a0 Not knowing how many more nights there would be.\u00a0 Hoping for and dreading the end.<\/p>\n
Have<\/strong> you ever felt that your very essence, your very soul was under siege?\u00a0 For me it\u2019s a quiet burning of cells.\u00a0 Some cells just melt away, some pop like a balloon.\u00a0 Some attacks you see coming, you try desperately to hang on only to have the cells melt through your fingers.\u00a0 Some attacks happen while you sleep when your guard is down.\u00a0 You wake up in the morning feeling profoundly different.\u00a0 Not sure what has happened but knowing that something has changed.<\/p>\n The siege will end someday, and then what?\u00a0 And when?\u00a0 How much will you lose of yourself before it stops?\u00a0 You know you will be forever changed by what has occurred.\u00a0 There is no doubt.\u00a0 But, there are questions: Did you need the pieces that you lost?\u00a0 Were they extras?\u00a0 Did they have to melt away to make way for better cells?\u00a0 Is something better going to replace them?\u00a0 Will you be a new and improved you?\u00a0 Or will you be left with big holes in your soul?<\/p>\n It is your choice how you will fill those holes.\u00a0 Will you fill them with drugs, alcohol, gambling, or eating?\u00a0 Or will you fill them with love, hope, and family?<\/p>\n I am in the middle of a siege on my soul.\u00a0 I feel the effects of the burning every day.\u00a0 Some nights I lose so many pieces l don\u2019t know if I can get out of bed.\u00a0\u00a0 I\u2019m not sure if words will form if I open my mouth.\u00a0 I have to focus on the simplest things to complete them.<\/p>\n I know that the siege on my soul will end, but I don\u2019t know when and what will be left behind.\u00a0 The burning in my soul is on God\u2019s time.\u00a0 I guess He isn\u2019t finished trimming yet.\u00a0 Just when I think I have had all I can take more melts away and I have to adjust to my new surroundings again.\u00a0 Who will I be when this is done?\u00a0 Will I survive?\u00a0 Will I be a better me?\u00a0 Or will I lose so much that I crumble?\u00a0 Will I be a better wife and mother?\u00a0 Will I be a better friend?<\/p>\n I am the same age almost to the week, 34 1\/2 years old, that my Mother was when her soul was under siege; her husband was murdered and she was left to raise 2 babies.\u00a0 What did she fill the holes with?\u00a0 Did she make the right decisions?\u00a0 There are a lot of opinions on the subject.\u00a0 As difficult as it is to leave it to God, it is up to God to judge and decide.\u00a0 To be honest, I\u2019m very thankful that it is His job to do the judging because I don\u2019t have time or energy to judge right now.\u00a0 \u00a0I\u2019m in the middle of a siege on my own soul.<\/p>\n When this siege is over it will be my choice how I will fill the holes left behind.\u00a0 I hope I have enough left to make the right decision.\u00a0 And I hope God judges me kindly.<\/p>\n 7 months later I know the siege is over and I can feel the holes left behind.\u00a0 Some are larger than others.\u00a0 And it is a challenge every day to fill them with the positive and healthy.\u00a0 But it is a challenge I am determined to win.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I wrote the following a week or two before my Mom passed away last December.\u00a0 At that point her illness felt like a never ending emotional, mental, spiritual and physical marathon.\u00a0 We were all drained and pushed to what felt … Continue reading