Unfortunately, the experience with my Grandma T. prepared me for when my Grandma Pearce was very ill almost exactly 5 years later.\u00a0 We had seen Grandma at my Uncle\u2019s funeral in August of 2009 and then again about a week later on a planned trip to visit her at my Aunt\u2019s in Ontario.\u00a0 She seemed to be doing remarkably well for 95 \u00bd.\u00a0 She was falling asleep quite often and needed help walking but her mind was very sharp.\u00a0 She handled her son\u2019s passing quite well, I believe partly because she knew it wouldn\u2019t be long before she saw him again.\u00a0 Grandma and I had some good conversations over those few days; just simple things but so nice to just talk. \u00a0We peeled and cut up apples for apple crisp together, the first time we had ever cooked together.\u00a0 I will hang onto that memory and the pictures.\u00a0 After we left for home I told Pasith that I felt that she would be gone by summer, possibly by her birthday.\u00a0 This may have been my last time seeing her.<\/p>\n
Thanksgiving Day we got a call that Grandma wasn\u2019t feeling well, not to be too concerned but just to be aware.\u00a0 The next Saturday we got the call that she had gone into the hospital.\u00a0 She was suffering from Congestive Heart Failure and they weren\u2019t sure if she would make it past 2 weeks.\u00a0 I lost it.\u00a0 We had been through a year of cancer and death with Pasith\u2019s Dad in May, and then my Uncle died in August and just as I felt I was getting back to life I was thrown to the ground again.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t that I didn\u2019t see it coming I just didn\u2019t want to lose her.\u00a0 We were just getting to know each other.\u00a0 I had so much to ask her and tell her.\u00a0 There was just so much unsaid and undone.\u00a0 Could I live with what little had been between us?\u00a0 What could I do now?\u00a0 Time was up.\u00a0 I wasn\u2019t ready.\u00a0 I came to the conclusion that I was giving in to the basic selfish human resistance to death and letting go and I didn\u2019t care.<\/p>\n
But as I had time to think I realized that this was not the end of me.\u00a0 I would make it through.\u00a0 She wasn\u2019t gone yet, there was still time.\u00a0 The quickest I could go see her was November 1st<\/sup>.\u00a0 So, again I would have to take the chance that my Grandma would make it till I could see her one more time. \u00a0This was a familiarly painful place to be.\u00a0 Since we didn\u2019t know how long it would be before we had to travel for a funeral I decided to take a friend with me on the 4 hour drive and leave Pasith and the kids at home.<\/p>\n I had tried to prepare something that I would say to Grandma when I got to her.\u00a0 I had even written a letter that I could send just in case I couldn\u2019t get there in time.\u00a0 I was so worried that she didn\u2019t know how I felt about her.\u00a0 We had been separate for so many years.\u00a0 I wanted her to know that I loved her.\u00a0 That I had wished for something different, that I was sorry for all of her pain in life and to forgive me if I had added to it in any way.\u00a0 In the days before I went and even while I was walking into her room I asked God to provide the words and the time if I was meant to have this conversation with her.\u00a0 We had discussed quite a few of these issues over the last few years as we had gotten to know each other but it never feels enough.\u00a0 I questioned whether she really knew.<\/p>\n Grandma was awake but not feeling very well and was kind of down.\u00a0 The nurses brought her supper and my Aunt and I encouraged her to eat.\u00a0 She just didn\u2019t seem interested.\u00a0 Then as we were all sitting quietly Grandma finally said that this was the day that Grandpa had died 30 years before.\u00a0 She was thinking of her husband after all these years.\u00a0 We were quiet and let her talk a little.\u00a0 Then I decided to start asking questions.\u00a0 It always worked with Grandma T.\u00a0 If she was feeling down I would start to ask her about things from her childhood or just anything to get her mind off of what was upsetting her.\u00a0 So, I asked Grandma how old she was when they came to Canada from England.\u00a0 She didn\u2019t understand at first why I was asking but she answered politely.\u00a0 Then my Aunt and I kept the questions coming until she was telling us about her childhood without us even asking.\u00a0 Before she knew it she had eaten all of her supper and was sitting up straight on the edge of the bed, her voice stronger and her eyes bright.\u00a0 I was so happy to be a part of making her day a little brighter.\u00a0 I guess God knew that this conversation was more important for us on that day.\u00a0 And sometimes showing how you feel isn\u2019t done in a prepared \u201cspeech\u201d but in simple acts of kindness and caring.<\/p>\n I went back to the hospital in the morning before we left for home.\u00a0 My cousin, who is a nurse, and my Uncle were there.\u00a0 My cousin is about 8 years younger than me so I don\u2019t know her well, but that weekend I saw that she was born to be a nurse.\u00a0 She was so caring and wonderful for Grandma.\u00a0 After the 4 of us talked for a while Grandma said she was getting tired and was ready to lie down.\u00a0 So, my cousin helped her lay down and get comfortable; plumping pillows, arranging tubes and wires, checking her machines, teaching me how to safely help her get Grandma into the right position.\u00a0 It was touching to see the youngest grandchild helping her Grandma in such a personal and compassionate way.\u00a0 My cousin left the room and I stayed behind for a few minutes to say a private goodbye.\u00a0 The Big Goodbye.\u00a0 Again I was faced with the questions, what do you say?\u00a0 How many hugs are enough?\u00a0 How do I leave?\u00a0 Have I done enough?\u00a0 Am I sure she knows how I feel?\u00a0\u00a0 This time, Grandma was awake and lucid.\u00a0 This Grandma wasn\u2019t drugged and unaware.\u00a0 She knew that I was leaving.\u00a0\u00a0 That didn\u2019t make it any easier.\u00a0 I still knew this was the last time I would see her.\u00a0 We didn\u2019t speak with words but we understood each other.\u00a0 I will never forget the sadness in her eyes.\u00a0 I hugged her as she lay in her hospital bed and held on to her hand as long as I could.\u00a0 But finally I had to say goodbye.\u00a0 I could barely get the words out.\u00a0 And as I let go of her hand and turned to walk away everything in me was screaming to stay just another 5 minutes.\u00a0 I barely made it down the short hallway and out the door.<\/p>\n Grandma Pearce passed away on February 12th<\/sup>, 2009 peacefully in her sleep.<\/p>\n And again the family gathered for a funeral in the small Moosomin church.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t help but look at the spot where my Grandma had sat in a wheelchair at my Uncle\u2019s funeral just 6 months before.\u00a0 This was a celebration of a woman who missed her 96th<\/sup> birthday by one month; a woman who had seen so many changes in the world and so many tragedies.\u00a0 It was time whether we wanted it to be or not.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Unfortunately, the experience with my Grandma T. prepared me for when my Grandma Pearce was very ill almost exactly 5 years later.\u00a0 We had seen Grandma at my Uncle\u2019s funeral in August of 2009 and then again about a week … Continue reading