I wrote the following about 2 months before my Mom’s death.\u00a0 She finally did find acceptance a few weeks later but that is for another blog….<\/p>\n
My Mother is dying.\u00a0 I know that my Mother is not the first to die.\u00a0 I know that she is not the first to die of cancer.\u00a0 But, my Mother is still dying.\u00a0 The emotions connected to it are overwhelming.\u00a0 I don\u2019t even know if I can adequately express them.\u00a0 I also know that every family and every death has its historical and familial complications that are unavoidable.\u00a0 The complications in my situation are different than most but when it comes down to it, my Mother is dying.\u00a0 I repeat this statement because, as others who have been through it know, the human instinct is to not want to acknowledge or accept this fact about a family member.\u00a0 Even for me, I have been through death in many different forms and many different times and I know the steps, I know the psychology, I know the instincts \u2013 in my head.\u00a0 But accepting it in your heart is completely different.<\/p>\n
I gave my Mom a hug a few weeks ago and ran my hand down her back.\u00a0 That simple act shook me into reality.\u00a0 My Mother has battled her weight for as long as I know.\u00a0 Over the last year all of her clothes have gotten baggy.\u00a0 Even when she has bought new clothes they seem to continue to be baggy, disguising how much she has really lost.\u00a0 So, when I ran my hand over her back and all I felt was bone I was heartbroken.\u00a0 I could feel every vertebra, her shoulder blades, just skin and bone through 2 layers of clothing.\u00a0 It was a statement stronger than if it had been spoken.<\/p>\n
It has been more difficult for us as family to come to a place of acceptance because my Mom hasn\u2019t come to acceptance.\u00a0 She is fighting, which is good, but she is also in denial not wanting to accept the inevitable.\u00a0 I don\u2019t judge her on this fact because none of us know until we are in the situation.\u00a0 But, it definitely has made it more difficult on the rest of us and for the doctors trying to help.\u00a0 My Mom is so insistent that she is going to fight and beat this even when she has been told a dozen times that it is only a matter of time.\u00a0 I\u2019m glad she isn\u2019t giving up but, for us it is very difficult to determine where she is really at physically and what plans or precautions we need to take.\u00a0 I\u2019m afraid that she is going to be strong and insistent right to the very end not enabling us to make the transition easier and less painful for her.\u00a0 The last thing I want for her is a painful or lonely death and I\u2019m afraid that her determination is going to lead to just that.<\/p>\n
Cancer is also a tease; an evil tease.\u00a0 Cancer lulls you into a false sense of security sitting dormant or slowly growing unknown.\u00a0 Just to hit you harder in the next round.\u00a0 And then puts you on a roller coaster that is so confusing and painful you don\u2019t know if you are up or down. \u00a0Just when you think you know where you are \u2013 it jumps out and says boo!\u00a0 Or veers off in the opposite direction.\u00a0 There is no security in what you are told.\u00a0 I have heard many times how people are told that they are in remission and at their 3 month checkup they are told they have weeks or months to live.\u00a0 There are no guarantees in life in general but cancer pushes that statement to the limit.<\/p>\n
All I have hoped for my Mom since her diagnosis is peace, no miracles, just peace.\u00a0 She says she has peace but her actions show something very different.\u00a0 I am still holding out hope for peace, but now for all of us.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I wrote the following about 2 months before my Mom’s death.\u00a0 She finally did find acceptance a few weeks later but that is for another blog…. My Mother is dying.\u00a0 I know that my Mother is not the first to … Continue reading