My Mom didn\u2019t die in an accident, of a heart attack, or a stroke the day that she was diagnosed with cancer.\u00a0 She wasn\u2019t taken from us suddenly.\u00a0 I realized this shortly after she was admitted to the hospital the first time.\u00a0 Now this may seem pretty simple.\u00a0 But it changed everything.<\/p>\n
I knew we were all in a battle; with Mom at the centre.\u00a0 Not only was she battling for her life, we were battling for her and sometimes against her.\u00a0 And there were times where it would have been much easier and preferable to walk away.\u00a0 Walk away and say that we weren\u2019t that close anyway.\u00a0 Why should I stick around?\u00a0 Or do the bare minimum, or less.\u00a0 I had to decide early on and at times it was a daily decision to stay and fight.\u00a0 So many times I had to take deep breaths and talk myself into going into the hospital or to my Mom\u2019s apartment.\u00a0 I was so tired of the battle.\u00a0 Some days I just wanted to retreat to my home with my husband and children and hide under the covers until it was all over.\u00a0 Other days I wanted to run; get on a plane, or just keep driving on the many days and nights that I was going to or from one place or another.<\/p>\n
But, one of the major things that kept me going was that she hadn\u2019t died in an accident.\u00a0 My Mom was still here.\u00a0 I knew that she was going to die from cancer from the day she was diagnosed.\u00a0 But she hadn\u2019t yet.\u00a0 She still had a chance to die with peace.\u00a0 She was still able to make amends where necessary.\u00a0 She and I still had a chance.\u00a0 My children still had their Grandma to make memories with and to learn from.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t take this lightly.\u00a0 What my Mom and the rest of the family would have given to have time with my Dad; time to say goodbye, time to share memories and make new ones for those left behind.\u00a0 I also have friends who have not been so blessed.\u00a0 Their mothers passed suddenly without the opportunity that I was being given.\u00a0 If I were to squander or ignore this opportunity I felt that I would be disrespecting what they had gone through; to throw away something so precious that they would have been so thankful for.<\/p>\n
So I knew that I was in the battle whether I wanted to be or not and I was going to make the best of it.\u00a0 I stepped up with doctors, nurses and other professionals when needed not because I wanted to be a hero but because it just needed to be done.\u00a0 My Mom didn\u2019t fully understand what was happening to her and so didn\u2019t always understand or want to know what the doctors were talking about.\u00a0 I also knew that she had always struggled with feeling like she had the right to speak up or make a nuisance of herself.\u00a0 And so I knew that if we didn\u2019t speak for her, she most likely wouldn\u2019t.\u00a0 I wanted to be sure that she wasn\u2019t letting too much go because she didn\u2019t want to make a fuss.\u00a0 A great example of this is in her last days one of her last words was \u201csorry\u201d when we would move her and she would show pain.\u00a0 She felt guilty for feeling pain.\u00a0 I also wanted to be sure that the doctors knew that she had advocates on her side.\u00a0 There were also times where her choosing to not understand her condition became a danger to her.\u00a0 We had to keep on top of every possibility to be sure that we were ahead of as many disasters as possible.<\/p>\n
But her illness wasn\u2019t all battles.\u00a0\u00a0 That was the beautiful part and I was determined to see the beauty in the battle.\u00a0 If I had run away trying to avoid the pain I would have missed out on so much more.\u00a0 My children would have missed out.\u00a0 My Mom would have missed out.\u00a0 Instead I determined to make the most of every minute we had left.\u00a0 As painful as some of the memories are now I would rather have them mixed with the good ones rather than to be left with only regrets.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
My Mom didn\u2019t die in an accident, of a heart attack, or a stroke the day that she was diagnosed with cancer.\u00a0 She wasn\u2019t taken from us suddenly.\u00a0 I realized this shortly after she was admitted to the hospital the … Continue reading