I have always wanted to be more understood.\u00a0 All through childhood I felt misunderstood.\u00a0 Who else can understand what it\u2019s like to lose a father before you know you have one and then feel like something is missing but not know what it is or why.\u00a0 Even for another child to understand what it\u2019s like to lose a father; there weren\u2019t many children in the small town I grew up in that had experiences even close to what I had.\u00a0 So, I didn\u2019t really fit in very well.\u00a0 I wasn\u2019t ostracized or bullied.\u00a0 I just always felt different.\u00a0 I stopped going to youth group within a year of starting because I couldn\u2019t relate to the other kids.\u00a0 I had serious issues that I was dealing with and questioning my basic existence and the other kids were worried about getting a zit or their curfew.\u00a0 I went to work with the 2 \u2013 5 year olds instead.\u00a0 I fit in much better there and made a lot of little friends.<\/p>\n
Even now as an adult I feel different from the people around me.\u00a0 I see things so differently; I see the seriousness of situations a lot sooner, I have an underlying pain that most people don\u2019t understand.\u00a0 I feel things so differently and I don\u2019t know how to explain my feelings because they are so complex at times that I don\u2019t even understand them.\u00a0 Experiences, like Pasith getting home later than expected, affect me that others would brush off or just give a nod to and move on.\u00a0 I see possible doomsday coming.<\/p>\n
I never thought that I could be too understood until my Father-in-law passed away May 29th<\/sup>, 2008.\u00a0 After he passed away Pasith told me that he felt like he understood me better.\u00a0 I was heartbroken.\u00a0 I fell apart.\u00a0 It took me days to get through the fact that we were now in this together.\u00a0 I never wanted him to feel anything close to what I had felt all my life.\u00a0 That feeling of missing someone that takes over your heart and mind at times.\u00a0 I know that feeling all too well and it just saddened me that he now knew that feeling.\u00a0 And the fact that my Dad died 2 weeks before I was born and Pasith\u2019s Dad died 2 days before Pasith\u2019s birthday is just so strange and difficult for me to reconcile.\u00a0 My birthday was a reminder every year of something negative that seemed to outweigh the positive of a child turning a year older.\u00a0 And now Pasith is in the same position.\u00a0 His birthday will always be a small reminder.<\/p>\n A few months after my Father-in-law passed my Uncle passed away and at the funeral my cousin, his son, told me as well that he felt like he finally had an inkling of what I have felt all my life.\u00a0 And it hit me again.\u00a0 It is very hard for me to accept that this just keeps happening.\u00a0 I know that it is nature and it has going to happen sometime but it doesn\u2019t seem to make it any easier when it is someone that you care about and love that is now in the same boat as you.<\/p>\n I have a strong desire to be understood but not like this.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I have always wanted to be more understood.\u00a0 All through childhood I felt misunderstood.\u00a0 Who else can understand what it\u2019s like to lose a father before you know you have one and then feel like something is missing but not … Continue reading