I wrote this almost a year ago.\u00a0 It is really amazing to read it again and to remember how I felt at that time.\u00a0 And I have an update.<\/p>\n
\u201cI know that it is never enough, but is it enough to survive?\u00a0 I am facing my Mother\u2019s imminent death.\u00a0 She has terminal cancer and we don\u2019t know how much longer she has.\u00a0 I have been fighting for her health and well being for a year.\u00a0 Since she left the hospital the last time in May I have had a different fight; regrets.<\/p>\n
I know regrets about life and death.\u00a0 I have experienced them and I have watched them eat people alive.\u00a0 I don\u2019t want regrets.\u00a0 I don\u2019t want to regret not bringing my children to her enough.\u00a0 I don\u2019t want to regret them not learning her passions, her stories and her love for them.\u00a0 They are 4 and 10.\u00a0 They are innocent.\u00a0 It is up to me to be sure that they have the memories that they deserve of their Grandma.\u00a0 Sidney has the right to learn to cross stitch, embroider and sew with a machine; to bake with her Grandma\u2019s recipes.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Alex has the right to simply remember her for her hugs, laughter and cookies.\u00a0 Other than when she was in the hospital I have brought them to see her at least once a week.\u00a0 We even had some adventures with Alex while she was in the hospital this past winter.\u00a0 She enjoyed every minute of it.<\/p>\n
Have I asked everything that I need for myself?\u00a0 My Mom and I were never close.\u00a0 She didn\u2019t share a lot of her life with me. \u00a0I have always hoped that she would magically turn into the mother that I have wanted and deserved.\u00a0 I saw glimpses of that mother while growing up and now in adulthood.\u00a0 But those glimpses are too few and far between.\u00a0 Once I got a glimpse of what I was missing I craved that Mom.\u00a0 I have been desperate to get to know her.\u00a0 But she is just out of my reach.\u00a0 Over the last year my Mom has become a little more of that Mom that I crave.<\/p>\n
I feel like I\u2019m being teased.\u00a0 I will get just enough of this Mom and then she will leave me.\u201d<\/p>\n
Now for the update:\u00a0 I have no regrets.\u00a0 I made some decisions that seemed impossible at the time and I thought my heart would explode.\u00a0 Do I stay with my Mom because she needs me and I don\u2019t know how many more times I\u2019ll have with her? \u00a0Or do I go home to my son who has an ear infection and I can hear him crying for me on the phone?\u00a0 Or do I stay home when my daughter pleads with me to not go out again?\u00a0 I admit that I chose my Mom more times than not.\u00a0 My children were at home in very good hands with my husband.\u00a0 And my Mom was alone.\u00a0 My children would be here when this was eventually over, my Mom wouldn\u2019t.<\/p>\n
I have no regrets.\u00a0 My daughter did have her Grandma for a sewing teacher.\u00a0 My son remembers her and refuses to give up the pajamas she made him.\u00a0 My daughter would grumble sometimes about having to go to Grandma\u2019s every Saturday when she wanted to be with her friends. \u00a0So we would bring her friends with or she would stay with them.\u00a0 I had to remember that at 10 and 11 she just didn\u2019t have the capacity to realize how important this time was.\u00a0 I\u2019m not sure that I have the capacity.\u00a0 But, one day I know she will understand and be thankful.<\/p>\n
And I really do miss that Mom.\u00a0 I do feel like I have been cheated.\u00a0 But this isn\u2019t the first time I have felt cheated by time, life and death.\u00a0 I understand the reasons but understanding and accepting are two very different things.\u00a0\u00a0 But I will keep working and blogging on it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I wrote this almost a year ago.\u00a0 It is really amazing to read it again and to remember how I felt at that time.\u00a0 And I have an update. \u201cI know that it is never enough, but is it enough … Continue reading