I wrote this last year about this time.\u00a0 It is still very relevant.\u00a0 I do feel like I have moved forward but I definitely have more to do.<\/p>\n
Some days I wake up wandering in the desert surrounded by sand that burns my feet but forces me to keep moving to feel the slight cooling when my foot comes off the ground.\u00a0 I want to stop to see if I can find any small clue in the skies or on the ground that will tell me the right direction to go but I have to keep moving to look for shade and water.\u00a0 \u00a0The hot sun is beating down on me sapping me of my energy and focus.\u00a0 I feel lost looking up, down and in every direction for something, anything, and there is nothing there.\u00a0 I have a compass but in my confusion I\u2019m not sure if I\u2019m reading it right.\u00a0 I think I hear someone off in the distance trying to call me to them but I just can\u2019t seem to find them.\u00a0 What if it is just a mirage I\u2019m chasing in the opposite direction of where I\u2019m supposed to be going?<\/p>\n
Other days I wake up wandering in the frozen Arctic surrounded by snow and ice.\u00a0 I\u2019m trudging through the deep snow in exhaustion afraid to stop and freeze to death but also afraid to move and fall in a deep crevice.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Again, I have a compass but in these circumstances it feels so inadequate.\u00a0 I don\u2019t trust it or myself.\u00a0 I am desperately searching the skies and the horizon for anything that will help me.\u00a0 I feel I should be patient and trust that help is coming but what if I miss help by slowing down?\u00a0 What if help is around the next corner ready to leave and I don\u2019t get there fast enough?<\/p>\n
I\u2019m sick and I\u2019m tired.\u00a0 I need guidance.\u00a0 I need someone to help me see the way.\u00a0 I\u2019m trying to hear God through the storms that negativity keeps kicking up but he seems out of reach.\u00a0 And I\u2019m afraid that I\u2019m misinterpreting what I do hear.<\/p>\n
Am I where I am supposed to be?\u00a0 Am I doing what I\u2019m supposed to be doing?\u00a0 Am I missing something?\u00a0 Did I miss a crucial step to end up here?\u00a0 When I look back I feel like I have been floating down the river in a canoe most of my life; just going with the current of life.\u00a0 When high waves came up I allowed them to just happen and figured that I had to accept it as part of the river.\u00a0 I would bail out the water and keep going down the river with my eyes on the next wave.\u00a0 I have not lived with intention.\u00a0 I have not had my feet on the ground with my eyes to the heavens.\u00a0 I have just been hoping that when I stepped out of the river I\u2019d be at the right port.\u00a0 I have not asked for clear directions on how to get out of the canoe or where to get out.<\/p>\n
I want to live with intention out of the canoe and on solid ground.\u00a0 I have the instructions on how to get out of the canoe I just need help figuring them out.\u00a0 I\u2019m afraid of capsizing the boat, or getting out at the wrong spot.\u00a0 And how do I change my course so drastically without causing hurt or damage to my family?<\/p>\n
This adventure of getting out of the boat feels like it has been going on a long time.\u00a0 It took me a few years to realize that I was in a boat; then a few more years to realize that I may not be in the right one or belong in one at all.\u00a0 Now I have to figure out how to get out.\u00a0 Then figure out what to do next.\u00a0 The task feels too huge.\u00a0 The river is going too fast and the waves are getting higher.\u00a0 Most days I\u2019m just happy to be in the canoe and not in the river.\u00a0 I hang on to the sides and bail water to stay afloat.\u00a0 In the meantime I fear that I am missing out on life and letting down my family and the people around me.\u00a0 If only the water and waves would just slow down long enough for me to get my thoughts and strength together.<\/p>\n
I know that God will give me his strength and will calm the storm.\u00a0 I just can\u2019t seem to get through to him right now.\u00a0 The waves are just too much.\u00a0 But I will keep trying.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I wrote this last year about this time.\u00a0 It is still very relevant.\u00a0 I do feel like I have moved forward but I definitely have more to do. Some days I wake up wandering in the desert surrounded by sand … Continue reading