Two years ago I was at a support group meeting for victims of crime.\u00a0 It was just before Christmas and one of the questions was, \u201cAre you looking forward to Christmas?\u201d\u00a0 I believe I was the only one there that night that said, \u201cYes.\u201d\u00a0 Most of the others have lost children or siblings or the innocence of their children.\u00a0 And they were pretty much unanimous, \u201cNo.\u201d\u00a0 I understood why they weren\u2019t looking forward to Christmas in their situations.\u00a0 When you lose a child who loves Christmas and always helped you decorate – how do you decorate a tree without them?\u00a0 There is always someone missing at the table.\u00a0 There are presents missing under the tree.\u00a0 I can\u2019t imagine the heartbreak that these parents have gone through over the years.\u00a0 The majority of them said that they would prefer to be anywhere but home at Christmas.\u00a0 The memories are just too painful.\u00a0 I watched my Mother struggle through Christmas for many years.\u00a0 It was my Dad\u2019s favorite holiday.<\/p>\n
Well, I felt a little left out.\u00a0 Not in a bad way, there is always acceptance in this group.\u00a0 But for me my loss happened before I knew about Christmas.\u00a0 They were just as I had always known them.\u00a0 And I have my children to celebrate with.\u00a0 Christmas had changed with the passing of my father-in-law and my grandmothers but not enough to make me avoid the celebration.\u00a0 And that year was one of the best Christmases we had with my Mom and family.\u00a0 But as I answered that question with \u201cyes\u201d I had no idea that would be my last Christmas with my Mom.\u00a0 I had no idea that she would die one week before Christmas and her birthday the next year.\u00a0 My answer would be different now.<\/p>\n
Pasith and I have lost three parents between us.\u00a0 My Dad passed away right before Father\u2019s Day, his own birthday and my birthday.\u00a0 Pasith\u2019s Dad passed in the 4 days between our wedding anniversary and Pasith\u2019s birthday.\u00a0 And my Mom passed one week before her birthday and Christmas.\u00a0 Except for our children\u2019s birthdays every one of our celebratory days has now been impacted and surrounded by death.\u00a0 It has always been a struggle to see the joy through the pain around my Dad\u2019s death.\u00a0 And then when Pasith\u2019s Dad died just a few weeks before the anniversary of my Dad it made it even more difficult to ride the roller coaster but we have fought our way through it.\u00a0 And now Christmas isn\u2019t even safe.\u00a0 It now has a giant scar.<\/p>\n
December was a blur last year.\u00a0 I don\u2019t really remember much of December at all.\u00a0 It was spent driving and waiting.\u00a0 And when Mom finally did pass on December 17th<\/sup>, her funeral on the 20th<\/sup>, her burial on the 21st<\/sup> and we got home on the 22nd<\/sup>, everyone knew it was pretty much a right off for us.\u00a0 We had bought the kids a few gifts in November not knowing what to expect so we did make an effort for them but my son and I were very sick for about 4 days from Christmas Eve on which didn\u2019t help much.\u00a0 But we tried.\u00a0 As far as everyone else was concerned it was accepted and understandable that we were not in the Christmas spirit.<\/p>\n This year I am really struggling.\u00a0 My husband and I wish we could just get on a plane and go to Florida or Mexico away from the usual northern reminders of Christmas.\u00a0 But we can\u2019t.\u00a0 And we know it\u2019s not fair to the kids.\u00a0 But I have no interest in it whatsoever.\u00a0 It may change as it gets closer and as my daughter gets excited about putting up the tree and decorating.\u00a0 It may change as we buy and wrap gifts.\u00a0 It may change when I go to the Christmas Eve service in honor of Mom\u2019s birthday.\u00a0 Or it might not.\u00a0 It may change next year, or not.\u00a0 I don\u2019t like it that the death of my Mom overshadows not only my Christmas but my children, my husband and my involvement with our families but I just can\u2019t pretend this year.\u00a0 Maybe I\u2019ll feel up to it next year or maybe I\u2019ll just start saving up for Florida.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Two years ago I was at a support group meeting for victims of crime.\u00a0 It was just before Christmas and one of the questions was, \u201cAre you looking forward to Christmas?\u201d\u00a0 I believe I was the only one there that … Continue reading