I wrote the following about 2 months before my Mom’s death.  She finally did find acceptance a few weeks later but that is for another blog….

My Mother is dying.  I know that my Mother is not the first to die.  I know that she is not the first to die of cancer.  But, my Mother is still dying.  The emotions connected to it are overwhelming.  I don’t even know if I can adequately express them.  I also know that every family and every death has its historical and familial complications that are unavoidable.  The complications in my situation are different than most but when it comes down to it, my Mother is dying.  I repeat this statement because, as others who have been through it know, the human instinct is to not want to acknowledge or accept this fact about a family member.  Even for me, I have been through death in many different forms and many different times and I know the steps, I know the psychology, I know the instincts – in my head.  But accepting it in your heart is completely different.

I gave my Mom a hug a few weeks ago and ran my hand down her back.  That simple act shook me into reality.  My Mother has battled her weight for as long as I know.  Over the last year all of her clothes have gotten baggy.  Even when she has bought new clothes they seem to continue to be baggy, disguising how much she has really lost.  So, when I ran my hand over her back and all I felt was bone I was heartbroken.  I could feel every vertebra, her shoulder blades, just skin and bone through 2 layers of clothing.  It was a statement stronger than if it had been spoken.

It has been more difficult for us as family to come to a place of acceptance because my Mom hasn’t come to acceptance.  She is fighting, which is good, but she is also in denial not wanting to accept the inevitable.  I don’t judge her on this fact because none of us know until we are in the situation.  But, it definitely has made it more difficult on the rest of us and for the doctors trying to help.  My Mom is so insistent that she is going to fight and beat this even when she has been told a dozen times that it is only a matter of time.  I’m glad she isn’t giving up but, for us it is very difficult to determine where she is really at physically and what plans or precautions we need to take.  I’m afraid that she is going to be strong and insistent right to the very end not enabling us to make the transition easier and less painful for her.  The last thing I want for her is a painful or lonely death and I’m afraid that her determination is going to lead to just that.

Cancer is also a tease; an evil tease.  Cancer lulls you into a false sense of security sitting dormant or slowly growing unknown.  Just to hit you harder in the next round.  And then puts you on a roller coaster that is so confusing and painful you don’t know if you are up or down.  Just when you think you know where you are – it jumps out and says boo!  Or veers off in the opposite direction.  There is no security in what you are told.  I have heard many times how people are told that they are in remission and at their 3 month checkup they are told they have weeks or months to live.  There are no guarantees in life in general but cancer pushes that statement to the limit.

All I have hoped for my Mom since her diagnosis is peace, no miracles, just peace.  She says she has peace but her actions show something very different.  I am still holding out hope for peace, but now for all of us.