I have some old and some new topics for my blog but this one just feels perfect for the time of year we are in.   As I mentioned in yesterday’s blog my Dad was murdered just before I was born in June of 1976. And believe me; I will elaborate on that subject in the blogs to come.

When I was growing up the months of May and June were not easy.  Around Mother’s Day I would notice the change in my Mom and I knew we were in the May/June zone.  May was kind of the wind up to June.  There was nothing definitively different in her behavior; it was more of a feeling; tense, quiet.  But then when June came she was jumpy and her Post Traumatic Stress symptom of forgetfulness, among others, would flare up.  As June 12^th approached she would withdraw and become quiet.  And then on the 12^th she may talk about it or not.  And shortly after the anniversary of my Dad’s death was, and is, always Father’s Day.  Now I understand how difficult that day must have been for her.  My Mom’s Dad passed away when I was 3 and to not have your Dad or your children’s Dad to celebrate must have been very hard.  As we got older she made a bit of a joke out of it and said she was lucky because she got to celebrate both Mother’s Day and Father’s Day.  She must have been in great pain while attempting to keep the normalcy.  After Father’s Day are my Dad’s birthday on June 24^th, and then my birthday on the 25^th.

As you can imagine these were not easy times.  When I was young she made the best of my birthday.  But then I started to slowly plan my birthday parties on my own, partly because I loved planning them, but as I look back she was slowly pulling away from my birthday.  There were some birthdays where I would have a sleep over with friends and I hardly saw her.  She would go out or go in her room.  I understand it now and thankfully I didn’t really notice it when I was younger.  Then as an adult I noticed that she didn’t always remember my birthday.  Some years I just let it go by without a word, others I would work it into the conversation.  She would always feel bad when she remembered a few days after and I didn’t want to make it worse for her so I would just brush it off.  I began to understand trauma and its effects at an early age.  And I know that she had problems remembering other dates as well, not just my birthday but it is still a reminder of what I was born into.

For me June was very difficult as a child.  I would have horrible nightmares all the time as a kid but they seemed to get a lot worse during that month.  Being chased, shot at, stabbed, stalked, house broken into.  Things a 3 or 4 year old just shouldn’t wake up to.  I would run to my Mom’s room and sleep the rest of the night with her.  Most of the nightmares went away as I got older; but not the June nightmares.  They came back every year until I was pregnant with my daughter.  I had been so worried that I would have the nightmares and somehow pass that terror and stress on to the baby.  But they went away that year.  They reoccur every once in a while but not even close to the frequency they once were.  And every year as I got older I would be very conscious of my Mom’s feelings during May and June; wondering how she would handle it that year.  Three years ago she finally admitted that she was having problems, and had problems in past years, with depression around the anniversary.  I was glad to hear her finally admit how hard it was.  The last few years seemed a little easier on her, which we were all thankful for.  I think she somehow knew that it wouldn’t be long.  My Mom passed away on December 17^th, 2010 after a lengthy illness.  And I have to wonder how this year’s May and June is going to go.  Have I been marking the anniversary of my Dad’s death differently than I would for myself because of my Mom?  Out of respect or not wanting to hurt her?  Will I sail through it without issue?  Will it be more difficult because my Mom is gone?  I guess we’re about to find out.  Now, the months of May and June have gotten even more interesting since I’ve known Pasith.  Our wedding anniversary is on May 27^th.  His Dad passed away on May 29^th, 2008.  Pasith’s birthday is on June 1^st.  I have a feeling we are in for one amazing roller coaster every year.  But I hope that we can find the joy in the memories.