I wrote the following letter to my Grandma Pearce, my Dad’s Mom, shortly after she passed away February 12th, 2009.

Dear Grandma,

You are missed.  You are truly missed.  It hasn’t been all that long since you left us for a better place.  We didn’t want you to go, but at just shy of 96 I guess its ok.  You’ve had your time here and you are more than ready to move on.

I can only imagine the joy you felt when you saw Grandpa, Uncle W and my Dad.  How it must have felt to be with Grandpa after 30 years, and my Dad after almost 33 years.  It had been a long wait for you and I’m sorry for that.  You went through so much loss in your life.  I’m so glad that you got it all back.  It must have been an incredible welcome.  Did they show you the sites?  Did they meet you at the gates?  What did you ask God first?

I miss you so much.  I don’t grieve for you so much as I grieve for time lost.  I don’t know what happened.  I was suddenly grown up, our time was almost up and there was no way for me to make up for the lost time.  How does that happen?  How do we get so wrapped up in our lives that we don’t realize the time passing and the relationships that get sacrificed along the way?  I know that I have said this to you before but I can’t help feeling like it is never enough.  There was a time when I didn’t have control over our relationship.  There was nothing that I could do to change the situation.  But, I did grow up and I did have choices.  And I didn’t make the right one.  It is painful for me to think that I had a part in extending or increasing your heartache.  I should have been there for you more.  I was your lost son’s daughter, one of your last connections and I wasn’t there.  I didn’t see it until it was too late.  I now remember how you used to look at me, searching for any sign of your son, looking for a gesture, a movement, a characteristic.  I wish I had given you more chances to catch a glimpse of him.  I know that you are with him now and that is a comfort but I wish I could have lessened that ache while you were here.

I know that you are at peace with your life now.  You are in the presence of God and your family.  I know that you forgave me in life and I know that you now understand all the reasons for everything that happened and I have to admit that I envy that.  I wish I knew all the answers right now.

There is a box of things that Auntie A dropped off today sitting in my living room.  I keep looking at it wanting to open it.  But I can’t.  It’s confirmation that you are gone.  I’m not used to seeing you all the time so it doesn’t always feel real.  Once I open that box it’s real.  We, the living, are so selfish.  Even though I know that you are so happy, and with your family, I want you here with me on this imperfect planet with pain and tragedy.  Why do we do that?  Why can’t we just be happy for those that are lucky enough to escape and move on with our lives?  I guess you know the answer to that now.

Grandma, I am so happy for you.  I love you.  Thank you for your legacy.

Love, Lisa Allyn