I wrote this last year about this time.  It is still very relevant.  I do feel like I have moved forward but I definitely have more to do.

Some days I wake up wandering in the desert surrounded by sand that burns my feet but forces me to keep moving to feel the slight cooling when my foot comes off the ground.  I want to stop to see if I can find any small clue in the skies or on the ground that will tell me the right direction to go but I have to keep moving to look for shade and water.   The hot sun is beating down on me sapping me of my energy and focus.  I feel lost looking up, down and in every direction for something, anything, and there is nothing there.  I have a compass but in my confusion I’m not sure if I’m reading it right.  I think I hear someone off in the distance trying to call me to them but I just can’t seem to find them.  What if it is just a mirage I’m chasing in the opposite direction of where I’m supposed to be going?

Other days I wake up wandering in the frozen Arctic surrounded by snow and ice.  I’m trudging through the deep snow in exhaustion afraid to stop and freeze to death but also afraid to move and fall in a deep crevice.    Again, I have a compass but in these circumstances it feels so inadequate.  I don’t trust it or myself.  I am desperately searching the skies and the horizon for anything that will help me.  I feel I should be patient and trust that help is coming but what if I miss help by slowing down?  What if help is around the next corner ready to leave and I don’t get there fast enough?

I’m sick and I’m tired.  I need guidance.  I need someone to help me see the way.  I’m trying to hear God through the storms that negativity keeps kicking up but he seems out of reach.  And I’m afraid that I’m misinterpreting what I do hear.

Am I where I am supposed to be?  Am I doing what I’m supposed to be doing?  Am I missing something?  Did I miss a crucial step to end up here?  When I look back I feel like I have been floating down the river in a canoe most of my life; just going with the current of life.  When high waves came up I allowed them to just happen and figured that I had to accept it as part of the river.  I would bail out the water and keep going down the river with my eyes on the next wave.  I have not lived with intention.  I have not had my feet on the ground with my eyes to the heavens.  I have just been hoping that when I stepped out of the river I’d be at the right port.  I have not asked for clear directions on how to get out of the canoe or where to get out.

I want to live with intention out of the canoe and on solid ground.  I have the instructions on how to get out of the canoe I just need help figuring them out.  I’m afraid of capsizing the boat, or getting out at the wrong spot.  And how do I change my course so drastically without causing hurt or damage to my family?

This adventure of getting out of the boat feels like it has been going on a long time.  It took me a few years to realize that I was in a boat; then a few more years to realize that I may not be in the right one or belong in one at all.  Now I have to figure out how to get out.  Then figure out what to do next.  The task feels too huge.  The river is going too fast and the waves are getting higher.  Most days I’m just happy to be in the canoe and not in the river.  I hang on to the sides and bail water to stay afloat.  In the meantime I fear that I am missing out on life and letting down my family and the people around me.  If only the water and waves would just slow down long enough for me to get my thoughts and strength together.

I know that God will give me his strength and will calm the storm.  I just can’t seem to get through to him right now.  The waves are just too much.  But I will keep trying.