Nothing feels right. Everything is wrong.
I am in complete disbelief that my cousin Mike is gone. I know all the platitudes and the reasoning.  Reason and reality are for later. Grief and disbelief are here now.

I know that Mike is in a better place and I am truly happy for him. It’s the people left behind that I’m worried about. They are in a far worse place right now. And I want to be in that place with them.

I couldn’t stop shaking for about 12 hours. And when I allowed myself to think about it I started again for another few hours. I think that stage has passed, at least for now.

Food doesn’t taste right, my breathing is different. I have a hard time getting into a deep sleep. The world is moving too fast – or I’m too slow – not sure which one. Decisions feel like walls.  Hours disappear…

I try to keep myself busy but then suddenly hit a wall; fight the dizziness, the nausea, the exhaustion and work to find my footing again.

I don’t know which way is up. I feel like I have fallen into deep water and I’m fighting my way to the surface but I’m not sure where it is.

I believe we are all connected and one of my connections is gone. We have to learn how to live with a new reality; a new normal. Nothing will ever be the same again.

I am no stranger to feelings of grief. I know the stages, I know my pattern. I know that I will find the surface again.

None of this compares to the unimaginable grief that some of my family members are feeling right now.  There is no positive spin at the end of this blog.  There is just space for grief.