I wrote the following a week or two before my Mom passed away last December.  At that point her illness felt like a never ending emotional, mental, spiritual and physical marathon.  We were all drained and pushed to what felt like our end.  When I read this it takes me back to the nights spent in her apartment, waiting and listening to her breathing.  Counting the seconds between each breath.  Not knowing how many more nights there would be.  Hoping for and dreading the end.

Have you ever felt that your very essence, your very soul was under siege?  For me it’s a quiet burning of cells.  Some cells just melt away, some pop like a balloon.  Some attacks you see coming, you try desperately to hang on only to have the cells melt through your fingers.  Some attacks happen while you sleep when your guard is down.  You wake up in the morning feeling profoundly different.  Not sure what has happened but knowing that something has changed.

The siege will end someday, and then what?  And when?  How much will you lose of yourself before it stops?  You know you will be forever changed by what has occurred.  There is no doubt.  But, there are questions: Did you need the pieces that you lost?  Were they extras?  Did they have to melt away to make way for better cells?  Is something better going to replace them?  Will you be a new and improved you?  Or will you be left with big holes in your soul?

It is your choice how you will fill those holes.  Will you fill them with drugs, alcohol, gambling, or eating?  Or will you fill them with love, hope, and family?

I am in the middle of a siege on my soul.  I feel the effects of the burning every day.  Some nights I lose so many pieces l don’t know if I can get out of bed.   I’m not sure if words will form if I open my mouth.  I have to focus on the simplest things to complete them.

I know that the siege on my soul will end, but I don’t know when and what will be left behind.  The burning in my soul is on God’s time.  I guess He isn’t finished trimming yet.  Just when I think I have had all I can take more melts away and I have to adjust to my new surroundings again.  Who will I be when this is done?  Will I survive?  Will I be a better me?  Or will I lose so much that I crumble?  Will I be a better wife and mother?  Will I be a better friend?

I am the same age almost to the week, 34 1/2 years old, that my Mother was when her soul was under siege; her husband was murdered and she was left to raise 2 babies.  What did she fill the holes with?  Did she make the right decisions?  There are a lot of opinions on the subject.  As difficult as it is to leave it to God, it is up to God to judge and decide.  To be honest, I’m very thankful that it is His job to do the judging because I don’t have time or energy to judge right now.   I’m in the middle of a siege on my own soul.

When this siege is over it will be my choice how I will fill the holes left behind.  I hope I have enough left to make the right decision.  And I hope God judges me kindly.

7 months later I know the siege is over and I can feel the holes left behind.  Some are larger than others.  And it is a challenge every day to fill them with the positive and healthy.  But it is a challenge I am determined to win.