I wrote this almost a year ago.  It is really amazing to read it again and to remember how I felt at that time.  And I have an update.

“I know that it is never enough, but is it enough to survive?  I am facing my Mother’s imminent death.  She has terminal cancer and we don’t know how much longer she has.  I have been fighting for her health and well being for a year.  Since she left the hospital the last time in May I have had a different fight; regrets.

I know regrets about life and death.  I have experienced them and I have watched them eat people alive.  I don’t want regrets.  I don’t want to regret not bringing my children to her enough.  I don’t want to regret them not learning her passions, her stories and her love for them.  They are 4 and 10.  They are innocent.  It is up to me to be sure that they have the memories that they deserve of their Grandma.  Sidney has the right to learn to cross stitch, embroider and sew with a machine; to bake with her Grandma’s recipes.    Alex has the right to simply remember her for her hugs, laughter and cookies.  Other than when she was in the hospital I have brought them to see her at least once a week.  We even had some adventures with Alex while she was in the hospital this past winter.  She enjoyed every minute of it.

Have I asked everything that I need for myself?  My Mom and I were never close.  She didn’t share a lot of her life with me.  I have always hoped that she would magically turn into the mother that I have wanted and deserved.  I saw glimpses of that mother while growing up and now in adulthood.  But those glimpses are too few and far between.  Once I got a glimpse of what I was missing I craved that Mom.  I have been desperate to get to know her.  But she is just out of my reach.  Over the last year my Mom has become a little more of that Mom that I crave.

I feel like I’m being teased.  I will get just enough of this Mom and then she will leave me.”

Now for the update:  I have no regrets.  I made some decisions that seemed impossible at the time and I thought my heart would explode.  Do I stay with my Mom because she needs me and I don’t know how many more times I’ll have with her?  Or do I go home to my son who has an ear infection and I can hear him crying for me on the phone?  Or do I stay home when my daughter pleads with me to not go out again?  I admit that I chose my Mom more times than not.  My children were at home in very good hands with my husband.  And my Mom was alone.  My children would be here when this was eventually over, my Mom wouldn’t.

I have no regrets.  My daughter did have her Grandma for a sewing teacher.  My son remembers her and refuses to give up the pajamas she made him.  My daughter would grumble sometimes about having to go to Grandma’s every Saturday when she wanted to be with her friends.  So we would bring her friends with or she would stay with them.  I had to remember that at 10 and 11 she just didn’t have the capacity to realize how important this time was.  I’m not sure that I have the capacity.  But, one day I know she will understand and be thankful.

And I really do miss that Mom.  I do feel like I have been cheated.  But this isn’t the first time I have felt cheated by time, life and death.  I understand the reasons but understanding and accepting are two very different things.   But I will keep working and blogging on it.